Let’s Cut to the Chase: Teaching Your Partner Isn’t A Solution—It’s a Second Job

One day a few months ago I was in my kitchen with a few girlfriends of mine. We were talking about all the things moms–burnout, invisible labor, the mental load– and my friend shared that she was looking into doing a webinar that she had found about Invisible Labor. The webinar was intended to be collaborative with the husband, and the ultimate goal was to educate him on all the behind the scenes tasks she was doing on the daily. I didn’t say anything at the time, but my initial reaction was to think, “well, that doesn’t sound like much of a solution.” After that conversation, I started to notice it everywhere– women finally talking about Invisible Labor– but only discussing it in the context of how to teach others about it. No one was talking about how to actually offload it. 

The problem here? 

Simply just telling our partners all the invisible decisions we made, tasks we sort through, and all the steps that lead up to every actionable item in our day does a whole lot of nothing in my experience. Let’s be clear: identifying invisible labor is important, but the idea that we should then teach our partners about it is not a solution. It’s a workaround. And it still puts us in charge. Furthermore, it sets us up for unmet expectations and resentment if we fulfill our teaching “duties” and the lessons don’t seem to stick.

Its roots? 

Teaching our partners about Invisible Labor as a solution likely originates from the completely false (and in MHO misogynistic) idea that women’s brains are simply just wired differently than men. Sure, after years and years of being the ones responsible for all the default thinking, planning and details, are our neurons probably firing differently than our partner’s neurons? Likely. But is this genetic or inherent? No, it’s learned and adapted over time because these duties are put on us and not on our partners. 

And that’s where Mom Brain comes in. We’re not here to throw another “You should just communicate more!” Band-Aid on a gaping wound. Mom Brain was an idea that was sparked by that conversation in the kitchen— by a busy, working mom who was carrying all the Invisible Labor in the household while also the breadwinner. By the realization that the Invisible Labor gap was real but that the tools we were given were inadequate and just put the burden more on us. We’re here for real tools that actually unload. Just tools designed for moms by someone who knows how not okay it is that the only solution we’re offered is “try explaining it better.”

The Myth of the Enlightened Dad

Let me guess. You tried. You sent the articles. You watched the viral TikToks together. You even printed out a mental load checklist. And for a week or two, he was on it. But then… it faded. You found yourself re-reminding. Re-listing. Re-managing.

Here’s why: educating someone doesn’t equal systemic change. If your partner needs a refresher course every two weeks just to remember to pack the kids lunches the night before school, that’s not an empowered co-parent. That’s someone using your labor (again) to maintain the illusion of fairness and you’re not actually being supported—you’re just being observed.

Here’s Why “Teaching” Fails Long-Term

1. It Reinforces That You’re the Default

You become the explainer, the delegator, the system creator, the expert. And you know what experts do? They manage the non-experts.

2. It Adds Work Without Reducing Load

You might reduce a single task (“He’s packing lunches now!”), but you’ve added a meta-task: reminding, tracking, following up, re-packing when the lunches are weirdly just applesauce and raisins.

3. It Creates an Imbalance in Cognitive Load

Even if he’s “helping more,” you’re still carrying the cognitive weight of planning, anticipating, and adjusting. That’s the part no one sees. That’s the part that burns us out.

What If You Could Just... Not?

What if instead of educating, you could automate? What if the cognitive load of thinking of all the things could be created by your phone and not your precious and finite brainpower? 

• Anticipating conflicts in the chess game that is family planning—-> done for you

• Listing every item that needs to be packed for an upcoming trip —-> done for you

• Listing out the steps of a weeknight meal that need to be done ahead of time—-> done for you. 

  
  

Instead of sitting down for yet another “division of labor” conversation that ends with, “Just tell me what you need,” what if you didn’t have to be the delegator anymore?

This is where AI and technology can shine, even if you are the least tech person out there. 

It's About Finding Real Solutions

Don't get me wrong, do I want to change the entire societal paradigm about the invisible labor gap? Absolutely. The complete unfairness of it all quite frankly just pisses me the fuck off. But changes like that happen over time and, quite frankly, time is a luxury in my life that I can't afford right now. What I need right now (and I'm guessing you too)? Tools that offload my plate NOW.

Yes, communication matters. Yes, awareness helps. But the goal right now isn’t just to feel seen—the goal is to be freed from the exhausting job of being the only one who sees it. The paradigm shifts and attitude adjustments can come later.

You and I deserve tools. We deserve systems. We deserve to use our brains for more than managing logistics for other people. To clear up space and mental clutter that allow us to focus on things that we actually care about. Because we don't need on more thing on our to-do list.